DAY NINE: Kissing in the Post-Apocalyptic World That Never Went Apocalyptic

For some of us, the world not coming to an end was such a drag. All that build up and then—nothing. How horribly rude—like stepping into a screening of Les Miserablés actually believing it was going to rise to the occasion. Yes, for some, the world not disappearing into a cloud of dysfunctional smoke was the worst, perverse-reverse premature ejaculation—ever.

Imagine, then, what your partner might feel if he/she were on the receiving end of one your kisses that failed to live up to its promises?

Darling, this isn’t a slam against you. It is merely a friendly bitch-slap/reminder that it is your cosmic duty to kiss well and experience the finest kisses the Universe has to offer you. The Mayans didn’t get it all wrong for you to miss your opportunity to kiss well. Dammit—keep up with the times!

You are delicious and—integrate this, will you!—you should be savored.

Today’s kissing tip travels just south of the mouth and onto … the neck.

Foolish beast: Have you forgotten that this is one of the best erogenous zones on the entire human body? Next to the ears or your loins, it’s just heaven! Some sad news first: gay men typically have their nipples wired to their libido and therefore tend to overlook performing on the region of the neck completely. (To my gay brothers out there I have this to say: Stop it. Let go of your insistent need to constantly feel pleasured and explore other areas of the body. This isn’t all about your erection. We’ll get to kissing that as we move closer to V-Day.)

For the rest of us, the neck is a fruitful Garden of Eden. I mean—look at it. No, really: glimpse yourself in the computer screen you are gazing into now. Turn your head side to side and marvel at that sinewy sexy achievement. If you’re still not convinced, gently run your hand along your neck. Feel yourself for God’s sake. Wake up: you are a creature that deserves to be pleased and satisfied.

Imagine then, what a perfect series of kisses can do to that neck of yours? Practicing on another human spawns good karma points—your turn will come in time. For now, just practice. So … place your lips onto your amore’s neck. Begin a trail of slightly moist kisses—don’t be a puppy dog—beginning from just underneath the earlobe. Hold your lover’s shoulder with one hand and continue to make your journey south, traveling toward the adam’s apple. Avoid pecking like a made fowl from The Birds. (Good lord, who trained you?) Consider opening your mouth more and keeping your lips puckered like an anal retentive fool, less. Allow your tongue to play along. I see nothing wrong with tracing a line along the neck with your tongue, but darlings, don’t feverishly lick your amore’s neck is if it were a rare postage stamp. You must find a passionate balance—something that finds your lips and mouth acting/looking like a happy fish and, say, Edward from Twilight. Keep yourself—and your amoré—enthused here for a while and, if the mood strikes, crank it up a notch and unleash even more passion. Mouthing is OK. A nibble here and there? Sure.

… forgive me, dear, I lost track of where we were …

Oh yes—on the neck. Find a pattern of kissing/mouthing that is unique unto you. Kissing the neck is like performance art—paint that canvas with your mouth just the right way and your lover will swoon.

Bottom line: Never leave a delicious neck unattended. It’s your cosmic duty to include it in your kissing regime.

Onward …

Happy Kissing, darlings.

And please—don’t be afraid to stick your neck out.

XO

DAY EIGHT: If There Is A Secret to Being Loved …

In her book, “Advice to a Young Wife From an Old Mistress,” Michael Drury writes ” … if there is a secret to being loved, it lies in not having to have it.” Think about that for a moment: when it comes to love—and kissing—nobody enjoys an eager little puppy dog for long. The reality is this: we must grab a hold of our love life by the balls and take charge. 

Simply put: We have no business wasting too much time feeling insecure and unlovable. It’s unbecoming, dear, and should you find yourself in an extended period of self-loathing, either bitchslap yourself free of your self-absorb navel-picking or kindly ask a dear friend to do it for you.

 

Too harsh? Oh, bobala, come to mamma and listen closely: You are not a wimp. There is nothing wrong with you—there never was. Now, kindly get your ass off of my lap and get back to the business of loving and appreciating yourself with aplomb. All of this leads to …

The Confident Kiss.

Tap into your own vibrant juju. Stand tall in your own power. Seize the moment. Avoid the lizard kiss or, perhaps worse, the open mouth kiss where you do not even use your tongue—not even a little. This is just plain rude. Really dear—who taught you to do this?

I forgot—nobody that memorable, apparently.

But I digress. Kissing confidently is your birthright. Conversely, you should also be kissed well and feel delightfully satisfied. Anything less is downright sinful. Do know this: to kiss confidently, one does not always have to feel 100 percent confident. In other words, “Act as if” … and you will eventually get there, becoming the Emperor and/or Empress of the mouth. 

Carry on …

And for God’s sake, have some fun, darlings. This isn’t rocket science. 

It’s Kissing Science. 

Happy Kissing …

XO