Everybody deserves to be on the receiving end of a good kiss. Even the Pope. Alas, with the recent news that Pope Benedict will be stepping down later this month, I wonder if there may be an opportunity for the beleaguered soul to veer even farther away from the tight cloaks of Catholicism and, well, get some good kissing in before his End Of Days. I’m good like that: I want the man to experience pleasure and I trust the Universe is fine with this. But I must caution him, and others, venturing back into the real world after along absence from amour: 25 percent of the human population (I’m sure that’s fairly accurate), suffers from Halitosis.
In other words: Bad Breath.
And for some, no amount of penance can alleviate the sins that their mouths are causing.
Oh dear, where to begin?
Well darlings, as we head ever so much closer to Valentine’s Day Weekend and the end of this blog (don’t fret, I shall resurrect myself in another form and spread sunshine up the asses of all who care to bend over emotionally and receive me), let’s start with you. Are you aware of what your breath is doing to the world around you? Wake up, smell yourself and imagine kissing that foul mouth of yours. It’s time you realize the effect you could be having on people. In most cases, about 85 to 90 percent of bad breath originates in the mouth. True, consuming various foods like garlic, onions and—oy!—meat tend to make matters worse. And who among us has not experienced the dreaded “Morning Breath?” But the reality is this: You are responsible for the breath you are exhaling. So, if you’ve Certs’d and Listerine’d yourself to high heaven—that was a nod to soon to be ex-Pope Benedict—and still find that your mouth is emitting the foulest of stenches, trust me: We are not all waiting for you to do a Whitney and exhale.
It may be time to see your dentist and inquire about something like gum disease.
On the flipside, what do you do if the man or woman you are dating has bad breath? I am so delighted that you asked. Four words: Don’t Be A Sissy.
Address the issue immediately. It’s 2013—you have no business skirting an issue for if you do, chances are your childish skirting will never leave you skirtless and primed for orgasmic pleasure—in life and, well, in your southern hemisphere, too. Grab the matter by the balls—either speak up as soon as you realize that there is a lingering problem or just tie a pretty bow around a bottle of Listerine, hand it to your partner, and say: “Use this or our relationship is awash, honey!”
For the timid out there, I suggest that after every meal, you offer breath mints that fire-breathing dragon you continue to date. This may prompt him or her to realize that something is a bit off. If things do not improve, you must speak up. Do not indulge in kissing a foul mouth if you know that it’s foul. Really! You’re not a codependent any longer. Grow up. You are meant to be a good kisser and, also, to be on the receiving end of good kissing. You must not settle for less. What good would it do you should your amore venture forth and decide to insert his or her infested, garbage-dump of a tongue into your otherwise lovely mouth?
A travesty.
Quite simply: This is Life or Breath.
21 Kisses 